


His Smile

by llcflms



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 13:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16975632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llcflms/pseuds/llcflms
Summary: Touka's thoughts on meeting Ayato and Hinami in the days leading up to the Cochlea Raid and after.





	His Smile

_Are you happy?  
_ _Happier than I’ve been in 10 years._

* * *

 

The last time she saw her brother’s smile, he was standing in front of her with small chubby hands cupped together as he carefully lifted their pet bird up. He turned to look at her, flashing her a full-toothed smile as he showed her the bird, completely overwhelmed with happiness at the mere thought of his bird feeling better and recovering from its injuries.

Back then, she thought nothing much about it. She scowled at that dazzling smile, complaining about the stupid bird instead. Thinking back to this moment ticks her off sometimes. She wishes her younger self focused on something much more precious than a fucking bird; she wishes she had taken a better look at that dazzling smile and basked in it more.

She wishes she appreciated her brother’s last smile much more. He never smiled again after that. He grins in malice and smirks in mockery. But never once had she seen a smile of sincere happiness cross that face ever again— a face that soon after, became tarnished and warped in anger, hatred and greed.

That is until another bird wormed her way into his life.

* * *

 

“Hinami got arrested and is in Cochlea now.”

_What?_

“Your brother is planning to rescue her.”

_WHAT?_

Touka doubts she’s ever heard a weirder string of sentences.

Hinami— the innocent and sweet little girl who violently protested against the death of her family’s murderer— is now a criminal.

Ayato— the selfish and childish jerk of a brother— is (trying to be) a hero.  _Hinami’s_  hero.

When Banjou relaid the information at her, all she did was stare dumbly at him, completely confused and entirely questioning her sense of reality. She pinches herself after a period of silence but things remain as they are. Banjou is still seated in front of her, holding a cup of coffee in his hands and looking up at her with a slight furrow of his brows, still waiting for a response.

“Wait, what?” Touka’s voice betrays her disbelief and confusion. Beside her, Nishiki and Tsukiyama are snickering.

“What’s the matter, Banjoi?” Tsukiyama sighs. “Did you have a little too much to drink?”

Banjou shakes his head. “To be honest, I myself has no idea what’s going on. But Ayato is really determined to save her.”

“Ayato…” It feels foreign to say his name out loud, but it can’t even compare to the absurdity of her current situation. “Like... my brother Ayato? That guy, right? That annoying, cheeky little brat?”

“Yes. Your brother. Kirishima Ayato.”

“He wants to save… Hinami?” she murmurs.  _He wants to_ save _Hinami… He wants to save_ Hinami _._

“Yes, he does.”

“Hey, Banjou, are you absolutely sure it’s him or did you mistake someone for him?” Nishiki asks with a snort. “Maybe Hinami’s Aogiri boyfriend is trying to pretend to be him or something to scare you into obedience or something.”

“I wonder as well. But he didn’t really scare me or force me into anything though. He said that if I wouldn’t help he’d just do it on his own,” Banjou recalls.

 _He’d just do it on his own._ Touka bites her lip as she absentmindedly poured herself some coffee, pondering over that particular statement. Banjou and the other two continue bickering for a short while over the situation, with no one particularly concerning themselves with how serious it was since everyone was probably trying to wrap their heads around it— Hinami being imprisoned, Ayato wanting to save her.

Yet Banjou’s words ring in her ears and images flash in her mind— that of the back a young boy, barely even a teenager, going off to face the world by himself, getting stronger by himself, joining a dangerous organization by himself and taking on her sins by himself.

* * *

 

She doesn’t recognise him at all.

He’s seated in an isolated corner when she enters the base, surrounded by loose scraps of paper and tins of coffee. It’s easy to pretend he’s not even there; he’s so silent that he blends into the background so effectively. No one seems to pay any attention to him aside from Banjou, who drops by occasionally to check on the progress of their plan.

Ayato looks up at him, with an expression that’s too blank and hard to read, and relates whatever he has come up with in a voice that has lost all tinge of his past self. He’s an adult now— or close to an adult— and has grown physically by so much. It feels nice to see the change but a little upsetting to realise what she had missed.

As she watches him in their base, she follows him around to keep an eye on him wherever he goes. She tries to be as subtle as she can, not wanting him to notice her at all. But after a while, she starts to realise that she doesn’t even need to take the extra effort to be inconspicuous. Whenever he’s not working, he seems to be spacing out, eyes glazed and lips slightly parted as he stares out a window or sits atop the roof. An elephant can probably be standing right before him and he might not even notice.

There is something serene about the sight of him staring in silence at nothing in particular. His mind has vacated his body and Touka wonders where he is right now— in long-gone better times, perhaps, or is he in his own fantasies of a better future?

Banjou seems impressed by the calm composure Ayato now exhibits, never looking down at anyone, never raising his voice unnecessarily and never openly mocking anyone. He speaks with the resolute determination of someone in-charge, yet respecting of his underlings and their opinions. He lays out plans within their limits, taking consideration as many lives as he can. Banjou believes it’s a good change; Ayato has become a better person and is someone worth working for now.

Touka agrees, but even with that agreement, she still silently laments the sight before her. Gone is the proud bravado he exhibits of a person charging after solid ambitions. His eyes no longer glimmer in hope. Instead, they are now clouded and darkened by sorrow and guilt. He holds his head high and his chest out when he presents their plans and relays his orders, but when everyone turns around, she sees him slouch and she sees his head droop, accompanied by the slight tremble of his lips and the clenching of his fists.

She realises that she knows him better than she thinks she does. Even without him showing any of it to her, she knows what’s going on behind the closed doors of his room. She can picture him praying and begging— for forgiveness, for strength, for success and for more than anything, the safety of the people he’s dragging along with him and the safety of the one person he longs to save.

And she realises that there’s another person who managed her way into his fortified heart, now standing beside Touka in his eyes. There’s someone else he’d lay his life out to protect. Even if it’s a strange thought, Touka wants to witness it— him standing by the person he longs so desperately to have by his side.

* * *

 

After about a decade, Touka finally sees a smile again.

No, she sees more than just a smile. If anything, he doesn’t seem to stop smiling.

They smile at each other as he passes her his jacket and she accepts it like it’s the most normal thing in the world for them. She sees both of them casting glances at each other as they continue deeper within the prison, only to immediately turn away with cheeks dusted in pink and mouths twitching upwards into slightly embarrassed smiles. They stay close to each other, far too close for the mere comrades Ayato had claimed they were. Touka sees their fingers brushing against each other as they walk, with occasional contacts that last a little too long.

Ayato watches with lips spread into a thin line as Hinami lunges at Banjou, arms wrapping around him and face nuzzling into his cloak. There’s something radiant about the sight that’s before her and even with everything weighing down on her mind at that moment, she stops and marvels at what she is looking at. There are undeniable fondness and relief flooding his gaze as he watches her and Touka is his with a wave of Deja Vu— the familiar sight of a cheeky, innocent boy, happily watching a little bird that he had rescued.

It feels like she’s stumbled upon an unexpected, yet very much appreciated ray of light.

* * *

 

“Is there a guy you like?”

Hinami almost chokes on her coffee at the sudden question. Leaning against the counter, Touka watches the younger girl turn away, head hanging forward to hide her reddening face under the curtains of her hair.

“O-Onee-chan?! W-What’s with the sudden question?”

“Nothing really,” Touka says, shrugging with an emerging grin.

“I can ask you the same thing!” Hinami insists, her fingers fiddling with her cup.

“I think you and I both know the answer to that,” Touka replies flatly.

Hinami looks up, puffing her cheeks out in a silent protest. “Seriously, Onee-chan, don’t you think it’s about time?”

“Time to what?”

“Tell Onii-chan that—”

“Don’t change the fucking topic, kid,” she mutters, cutting into Hinami’s words. Hinami stares at her for a moment, eyes widening, and Touka wonders if somehow she might have offended Hinami through her crude choice of words. But before she can even say anything else, Hinami starts to smile and she immediately turns away with a slight giggle.

“Onee-chan, you sound like Ayato-kun,” she laughs breathlessly, cupping her cheeks with her hands.

“Do I?” Touka grumbles. She’s pretty sure it’s the other way around, that it’s  _Ayato_ who sounds like  _her_. But she remains silent as she watches Hinami, who now seems to be in her own world as she stares at her coffee and hums a melody.

“So is there a guy you like?” she asks flatly, cutting into Hinami’s self-induced trance. Even though the answer is staring at her right in her face, she pushes the issue nonetheless.

“There… there… isn’t—”

Her words are cut off as the bells of :re chimes. Touka watches Hinami’s face change to that of relief at the interruption, only for it to morph into complete horror as she sees the source of the interruption. Ayato walks into the cafe carrying a small paper bag. He doesn’t seem to notice Touka, his face brightening and his focus entirely captured by Hinami the moment he lays eyes on her.

“There you are! Banjou told me I might find you here,” he says, walking over to her. There’s something innocent about the way he’s looking at her, which Touka muses in amusement at since it’s a sight she’s still trying to get used to.

_Maybe they’re still kids after all._

“A-A-Ayato-kun!” Hinami squeaks, her eyes darting between him and Touka once in a moment of panic. “What? Why… You—”

“I brought you some books,” he says. He stops before her and holds out the bag towards her in an outstretched hand. She blinks at him in surprise and he flashes her a wide smile, seemingly proud of himself for that trivial act.

“B-books?!” Hinami gasps. “W-Why is that?” She’s still stammering, probably still completely aware of the fact that Touka is watching the two of them keenly. She reaches for the bag with shaky hands and takes it from him, forcing out a smile of gratitude.

“I bought them for you,” he says, still completely honest probably due to the fact that he is yet to notice his sister watching him from the side. He was a pretty sharp person in Cochlea and Touka wonders just how high in the clouds his head must be right now for him to be completely oblivious of his surroundings.

Hinami gulps, taking some of the books out and looking through them. “These are…”

“Your favourite authors, right? I got them for you when you were in…  _that place_ … They’re new releases from the time you were away,” he says. Hinami watches him in silence and his grin falters. Ayato shrinks back a little and brings his hand to the back of his neck to rub it slowly. “This is… okay, right? I mean, I dunno. I just thought it would be okay.”

“Ayato-kun…” she murmurs softly, eyes falling onto the books.

“Did I get anything wrong? My reading’s not the best. I might have made a mistake with the names or titles. I think it’s too late to return them but if I made a mistake, then I’ll—”

“No… This is nice…” Hinami whispers, holding them tightly between her fingers. Her eyes dart to Touka quickly before she meets Ayato’s eyes again. “No, they’re my favourites. Thank you… Ayato-kun. I’ll… t-treasure them.”

The worry fades from his eyes and relief washes over him. The smile returns again and Touka silently takes a couple of steps back, slipping into the back room before he notices her. She’s tempted to continue teasing Hinami and to drag Ayato into it as well. It’ll be so fun, she believes, to see both of them beet red in embarrassment, staring at basically everything but each other and stammering to speak to her. It’s a pretty picture in her head.

But there’s already a prettier picture. She can’t bring herself to make her presence known to him right now, especially when he looked so happy to present Hinami her gift. Years of living with the idea of Ayato as the crude, violent and hateful teenager had perhaps warped her impression of him altogether. She believes she can’t see him going out of his way to do something for someone else, until she recalls him further back in their past, back when their father was still around and back when things were very much happier—the boy who goes out of his way to credit her for every single thing she did, denying any credit he’s ever been given for the things she did. The part of him that she once believed was dead and gone.

Maybe it wasn’t thrown away and lost forever. Maybe he just buried everything deep down. Touka wonders if it’s really possible for someone to pretend to be someone so different from who they truly are. Her back aches slightly as she considers the thought and she brings a hand to rub lightly on the junction between her shoulder blades. He had hurt her after all and he had been unnecessarily brutal— just how much of a delusion was he living in back then for him to even go down that route?

She thinks about the person who’s all smiles right outside— the person who’s proud of getting his ‘ _friend_ ’ some books, the person who (unintentionally) gathered everyone together, the person who risked his life and almost died to protect the people he cares about. She can’t imagine him turning against her and hurting her, which is a weird thought of course, considering he’s the person who’s hurt her the most. There’s never been another fight which had left her completely writhing on the ground at her opponent’s mercy, not even against the cursed quinque collector.

Even though she knows him so well, Touka still finds herself struggling. But even when she wakes up at night, haunted by memories of his teeth sinking into her flesh, even when her body stiffens and shudders as memories flash in her mind the moment she notices a twitch of anger in him, her desires remain as sturdy as ever. Even now, she wants him to smile and laugh from the bottom of his heart. Even now, she wants him to have a life void of sorrows and suffering, abundant with joy and comfort instead. Even now, she just wants her brother to be happy.

She hears the bell of the store and she walks out immediately. She had expected a customer to have shown up, but she’s greeted with an almost-empty store. Hinami’s standing by the door, a huge but somewhat weak smile on her face. Touka walks closer silently and even then, Hinami doesn’t notice her.

“I’ll see you later,” Hinami says. One hand remains on the door while her other hand is raised slightly as she waves it.

“Don’t miss me too much.” Even though Touka can’t see him, she hears his voice loud and clear. Along with the snigger that follows his words, Touka hears the smile in his voice.

“I should be saying that to you, Ayato-kun,” Hinami grumbles cheekily as she pouts slightly. “You’re so clingy it’s likely  _you’ll_ miss me too much.”

“I think I’ve used up all my capacity of missing you the past year.” Touka cringes slightly at his words. It’s hard to imagine her brother being comfortable enough with someone for him to speak in such a manner. Between the two of them, he had always been the more wary one— the person who doubts anyone, human or ghoul, and carves into his being the belief that no one ever has any good intention or can anyone ever be trusted. But here he is now, bearing himself openly to this one girl.

Touka wonders for a moment what it is about Hinami that has allowed her to win him over. But a short while later, it hits her— this is  _Hinami_  after all. Someway, somehow, the girl who’s brought happiness to almost everyone she knows, had managed to do the same to him as well— him, who Touka knows had lived deeper in sorrow and grief than she had, with no one to help pull him out of the abyss he once fell in along with her.

“Sure.” Hinami’s voice is tinged with sarcasm but she giggles nonetheless. After a slight moment of what Touka supposes is some kind of silent communication with their eyes, Hinami takes a step back and closes the door. Even then, she remains by the door, with a soft sigh as she rubs her hands together. The shop had gotten colder, Touka realises, but it’s with no surprise as Hinami had left the door open for quite some time.

“Next time, finish your little flirtation session before you send him off. Our heater isn’t the best,” Touka calls out, making Hinami jump and turn to her with wide eyes. It’s clear Hinami had forgotten in the brief moment she was not alone with Ayato that Touka was actually in the cafe as well.

“O-Onee-chan! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean… Next time… I—” Hinami pauses in midst of her stammering, staring in Touka in surprise for a moment until her brows furrowed and she took a step forward. “Onee-chan… are you okay?”

Touka blinks at the unexpected question and cocks her head to the side. “Huh?”

“No, you look like you’re going to cry.”

Her eyes widened for a moment before she brings her hands up to them and rubs them a little. They had gotten watery, but she hadn’t noticed when it happened. She rushes to wipe them off, turning away from Hinami to walk towards the counter, but Hinami’s a lot faster than she last remembered. In the span of a heartbeat, Hinami’s right by her side, arms around her and body pressed against her.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Onee-chan! Please don’t cry!” she cries out, panicky and worried. Hinami nuzzles her face into the crook of Touka’s neck as she tightens her embrace. “I don’t know what’s wrong, but I’m sure it’ll be okay. We’re all here for you, Onee-chan so please don’t cry.”

Wrong? But is there really something wrong?

An image flashes in her mind— a small, chubby boy with pink-tinged cheeks and wide, sparkling blue eyes, looking up at her like she was a goddess who had just descended before her. Another image follows of a boy, only a little older yet still very young, back turned towards her, ready to face the world on his own, armed with his anger and hatred. The final image that appears is that of a boy who’s almost a man, sitting atop a building and staring at the night sky before him, surrounded in silence and a serenity that’s almost sacred in its own way.  

And she thinks for a short while, of that look he had in Cochlea.

“Thank you,” Touka whispers, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she even realised it. Her arms snake around Hinami as well, squeezing the younger girl tightly and holding onto her as if her life depended on it. “Thank you for being there for him.”

“Eh? No! Onee-chan, it’s him who—”

“I’ve been so worried and scared,” Touka continues, interrupting her. “I could never get through to him. I pushed him away. Everything he had to go through... All the pain and suffering…”

“It’s not your fault, Onee-chan.” Hinami pulls away from the embrace slightly, just enough so she’s looking at Touka as well, smiling at her through teary eyes. “Ayato-kun doesn’t blame you at all. I know that he’s thankful for all that you’ve done for him. You don’t have to worry about him, Onee-chan.”

Touka laughs a little because she knows it’s fruitless to even try. She’ll worry about him as long as she lives because he is her younger brother after all. She brings her hands to her face and wipes her tears away, taking in a few deep breaths to calm and compose herself. Slowly, she reaches over and runs her fingers through Hinami’s hair, before resting it on her cheek.

“Thank you,” she says with newfound resolve. “Thank you for bringing my brother's smile back.”


End file.
